There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Randomize
