The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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