She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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