I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
