This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
two words: eviction party
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
