listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
