I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
