I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
