i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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