Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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