There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
