You're my little dorito
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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