glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
