Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
