You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
