wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
