I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
