when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
