I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
