She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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