At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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