haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
