2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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