my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
