Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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