did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
