Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
