Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
