for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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