I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
