i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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