Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Four minutes until I can fart!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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