I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
