did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
