i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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