You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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