dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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