saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
