I'm lost and stupid without you.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
