12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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