I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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