That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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