I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
