my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
