Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
