You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
