No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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