I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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