from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
