So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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