Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Randomize
