she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
