Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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