I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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