you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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