K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Small penises have feelings too.
zippers are such a cool invention
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
