I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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